End the Silence Spring 2020

“For me, the sexual experiences I have had form a mosaic. I tend to label my sexual repertoire as a conglomerate of sloppy college drunkness. But maybe in viewing it this way, I am writing off the painful edges of these stories. Maybe by laughing off the experiences I have, I am letting the tears roll off my back so I don’t have to face them. Maybe I am forcing myself to believe that this is all just because nothing is perfect, that I was drunk, that I am young, and that this is normal.

Maybe I’m just making excuses. But isn’t that easier than facing what hurts?

I would rather ignore the fact that I finally faded back in from a blackout only to feel the weight of him on top of me. I would rather ignore the fragmented memories of being pulled into that men’s bathroom stall by that stranger. I would rather ignore how it feels to stand disoriented and alone on an unfamiliar street after being forced to give that same stranger a blowjob. I would rather ignore the time I woke up to his unfamiliar, uninvited hands down my shirt at a house party in high school. I would rather ignore the fact that, even though we were dating, he forced me to have sex just because he was suddenly in the “mood.” I would rather ignore the fact that all of these broken memories weren’t fair. I want to ignore how they hurt me.

They aren’t what I deserve. They aren’t what anyone deserves. They are painful. Sharp. Prickly.

Writing this is empowering. Fitting my past into words on this page provides me the opportunity to validate and face these broken memories. We have been taught not to speak up. We have been conditioned to maintain the silence around similar experiences that so many people, like me, share. In writing this down, in sharing my various testimonies, I can connect with you as you read this. I can connect with other people that found themselves in situations like mine. I can tap into this great source of empathetic strength that we survivors can all create if we break the silence.

Thank you for reading this. Thank you for your support. Thank you for existing with me."

https://endthesilencewf.wordpress.com/2020/03/02/eighth-round-of-submissions/