10 minutes
10 minutes was all it took for my life to be changed forever. I was a sophomore in high school and my boyfriend at the time walked me home from a party. It was the first time I had ever drank hard alcohol and I barely could get one foot in front of the other. But, he held me the whole way. He was always thoughtful like that; buying me my favorite treats when I had a bad day or flowers when there was a reason to celebrate. I remember thinking to myself, wow how lucky am I to have found someone so caring when everyone other guy in my grade is just a total tool. When we reached my home, I turned towards him for a goodnight kiss but in a blink of an eye I was on my front lawn being taken advantage of. No consent, no warning for what was about to happen. His sheer body weight suppressed my body, making it impossible to utter any sound or make any movement. My head was spinning as I looked up to the surrounding trees and I froze with my muddy back seeping further and further into the grass. After it had concluded, he pulled me up, walked me to the door and said, “goodnight, love you”. I had no words, no emotion, just a blank face, thinking to myself, did that just happen? I woke up the morning still in shock. I almost convinced myself that I dreamt what had happened. My parents and siblings could tell something was off but I told them I was just tired from the party. I took an hour-long shower hoping to rub the ruminants of the night off.
I saw my boyfriend a few days later at school and I froze again. He greeted me with a smile and hug, like normal. It was so eerie; I felt like I was in a horror movie. After several months of sleepless nights of hiding and faking normalcy, I eventually broke down. I drove over to his house in rage and confronted him about that night. As a response, he made excuses of how he thought I was ‘so into it’ and how he thought that ‘consent was always is warranted if you’re dating’. He hugged and embraced me, sobbing, and eventually told me that he was sorry and that it wouldn’t happen again. Confused by his reasoning and later empathy, I said okay. Looking back now, it felt like putting a bandaid over a bullet wound. I can confidently say that I just didn’t know better and maybe he didn’t either but that same night I told my parents that I wanted to go to therapy. I am grateful and lucky enough to have supportive parents who could tell how hurt and empty I felt inside; they didn’t press or ask any questions and got me a therapist the next day. After another several months, I had the courage to break up with my boyfriend and tell my family and friends about the incident. Although those have been the hardest conversations I have ever had so far in my life, it felt good to claim what happened to me almost a year ago. I knew that I was violated and wrong amongst the gaslighting that my boyfriend and I did to myself.
Now several years later, I still struggle with intimacy and overthinking. Sometimes it’s difficult to gauge if I am the culprit or the victim for certain instances in romantic relationships and I blame that mostly on the torture I did to myself before I got help. I can confidently say that that struggle had decreased immensely with therapy. Talking to a professional isn’t a sign of weakness but of mere strength, of untangling the most horrific of feelings, of giving yourself a chance to be set free of the memory. I also attribute my journey to recovery to music and the outdoors. I find that music can sometimes best express your feelings when words fail, especially if it’s during a walk. It’s odd to think of the trees and lawn in front of my house now when I walk by.
If you have made it this far, I hope this memoir tells you that your experiences don’t define you, no matter how cheesy that sounds. To grow and be resilient is what makes us human so I encourage you to never forget that. At the end of the day, sexual assault spares no one but it’s how we respond and care for ourselves that makes the pain durable. I hope that you and anyone you know affected by the brutality of sexual assault find comfort and peace within yourself. I leave you with this: be kind and patient with yourself, always.
-anonymous